A year of renewal -- and a persistent longing I just can't shake...
Updated: Jun 12
Start is shaky. I did start a walking to running routine. I worked up to 60 minutes of walking from 5/20 - 5/27. Today, I went out for my first run for 30 minutes. I will work up to 60 minutes by Mon, 6/3. I will then start a routine of 4 miles, 5 miles, 6 miles running and 4 miles walking through the end of July. I will step up to 5, 6, 7 through the start of September. I will then add 10 mile runs every two weeks and sign up for at least two half marathons between Sept and Nov. Run days will be Mon, Tues, Thurs, Sat. Workout tapes on Wed and Fri. Sundays are off.
Alcohol issue is still rearing its ugly head. I have to slay it. By Christ, I must slay it. Father, give me strength to finish these two bottles and to BUY NO MORE! I have to then consecrate this apartment and bind all the evil that I've introduced here and loose blessings in its place. 1% better. 1% better. 1% better. Help me, Father. I can't without You. Help me!
My desire is still to be 15 lbs. lighter by 6/10. Yes, that's a miracle. It is possible though. I just need to drop 5.5 lbs. per week for the next two weeks. That would take me to 168 lbs. Without the wine therapy it is most definitely possible. I then have another 20 lbs. before the end of the summer. That's about 2 lbs. per week. Again, doable. And then that is it. Never again shall I get this big, save pregnancy. Never again!
I have to get in the bed by 10. I have to get out of bed by 5:30. Father help me. I need rest. I need sleep.
Father, open for me doors that no man can shut. Open them wide.
Father, open xx's heart to me. Move him in pursuit of me. Enable us to come together as man & wife. May the prophetic dream of early Saturday morning come to pass. Me in my most vulnerable state, wide open, not afraid of my idiosyncrasies, not ashamed, and he approaching me with tenderness and hopefulness of a future with me – under a covering of prayer. His hand carefully holding mine, his lips whispering in my ear. Bring this dream to pass, Father God. Regardless of those things that might hinder us, remove them, to move us closer together. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen!
What a difference a year does NOT make! Well, maybe a little...
Actually, it's not exactly one year later, since today is 5/29/21, but on 5/10/21 I restarted my pursuit to live a better, sober, healthier life. My success so far has vastly improved - at least as it relates to the alcohol at home. I laid it down and it has not returned and will not return. Have a I had alcohol outside the home? Yes, I have - probably a bit too much during my bday weekend - and maybe even last Sunday when Jonathan and I had another great dinner at the Rocky Hill Inn (the Love Potion #9 Cocktail is to die for)! However, I have lost 8 lbs, from a start of 202! Ugh! and I believe the goal of 155 by at least our trip to the UK is possible - is attainable - and will be achieved, by Christ.
A few different things this time. I decided to start things off by walking, 21 days in a row, the 2.6 - 3 mile stretch between our home and Burnt Hill Road. The goal is to achieve a 6 day walk and run schedule that might end up being about 22 miles a week (2 days at 3.5 miles - 3 days at 3 miles - and one day at 6 miles). I also was introduced to a new workout studio called The Executive Coach. Expensive, but I believe it will help to strengthen my body and tone me so that when I'm done with it, I can maintain whatever I achieve there through yoga and my own resistance training. Overall, I don't want to do anything I can't do on my own - and that's primarily walking/running/yoga. All three are things I can do without walking into anyone's studio, paying some fee, or needing someone to motivate me to do it. God is my motivator going forward.
Nonetheless, this has been an uphill battle. I'm 54 - not 49 - and it appears that everything has shut down - including my menstrual period (my last period was in April and I think I'm on that slow, sad walk toward true menopause) and all the wonderful things that go with it (estrogen and progesterone, to name two). The weight has been fighting me - not wanting to leave. My metabolism seems at a standstill, and I'm dealing with stomach cramping and discomfort, I believe brought on by years of alcohol abuse. My body has paid a price for my wear and tear on it - medicating through laziness and drink. However, my dad leaving this world was a wake up call - and then my mother - my mother, stuck in a nursing home wheelchair or bed - not knowing really where she is - her last years nowhere near what she would have hoped them to be. No, no, Father God - that is not for me.
Instead, my youth is being renewed like the Eagles -- I shall walk and not grow faint and I shall run and not be weary. The enemy sought to take me out early, like Brandon, but I'm being liberated, by the Stripes of Jesus, and I shall live, I shall not die - and I will shout aloud the goodness of the Lord THIS side of heaven - in a restored, energetic body - free of aches and pains and excess weight - where my blood pressure is normal and all is functioning aright. God is doing it. He is doing it!
So being in this place NOW, at this time, makes it that much more interesting that I fell upon this Microsoft Notes entry today, almost a year later. I believe it is a work of our Father to show me that this time there will not be failure - especially in regards to fighting the bottle as I did then. He has set me free from that horrible addiction - and whom the Lord has set free is free indeed. Thank you, Jesus!
However, with this entry, He also brought back to me that persistent longing -- that desire that remains almost like a stealth whisper in my soul - and sometimes louder when I see the object of that longing - when he speaks to Jonathan and me - when he regards us in any way.
This man is really not my dream of a man - not in stature or looks. He's intelligent, a great writer, articulate. He is supremely kind and tender toward Jonathan, which I appreciate - however, there are several men who have shown Jonathan this same regard and kindness - Mr. Norman, Mr. Anthony, Uncle Jerry - Yoan - Mr. Dugan.
And he is a man who is much younger than me (14 years, to be exact), in a relationship with someone else - a long-term, common-law relationship - one which appears to work well for them both.
Nor do I know him well beyond his kindness in the environment where we met, his written communications and his love of music. I don't know him. Not at all.
Yet, for some reason I KNOW him. Ever since I first met him in November 2018. That first encounter reminded me of Ben Daidone and my interview with him way back in 1989. That was probably a bit more related to how beautiful Ben was - but it was similar. With Ben there was just an odd energy that we exchanged - something that if I had been older and in a later time, we would have negotiated much better and I believe would have led to us coming together permanently, in marriage, living happily ever after. However, it was a different time and I was soooo emotionally immature - so wrapped up in fantasy and not the reality of relationships - a hurdle that I think is still somewhat an issue with me even at this, more numerically mature stage of my life. Yet, this same energy I felt with this man on that unusually warm November Day - me arriving late and rushed - and then leaving early and sizzling with the vibrancy of meeting him face to face...
Maybe nothing will ever come of it. It does appear impossible. The next few years promises there will be way less contact with this man in that particular environment.
He and his lady friend don't appear to be headed in separate directions. And if so - who's to say that he wouldn't want to sow his oats a bit, after having been in a relationship for so long.
He's never dated a Black women, let alone an older Black women with a child who inhabits the environment he shares with them both -- how do you make that leap -- how could he ever love me in such a way that he would want to make that leap?
And then I see this entry and the dream that I had - that I don't remember even having. A dream that makes it all seem - indeed - possible, if it was a dream that meant anything at all.
I asked in our 2021 expectation list for a man who has the attributes of my dad. Not sure that this man does. He has the intelligence, though maybe not the southern sensibility... nor the handiness or the sweet, gentle kindness of spirit - the Godliness. He IS kind, but not in that soft way my dad displayed it. I don't even believe he is saved - so that would be important - that he see the goodness of Christ and the precious gift of salvation - and that he receive it. That he be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Yet, I KNOW him.
I don't know why I do. But I do. Is it enough, Lord? Is it enough for You to move heaven and earth to make him the man I've longed for ---I don't know. He doesn't appear to be the kind who is looking for a wife to take care of - a woman who does not work outside the home - brings home the bacon, bacon - :-).
How sweet it would be if he were.
Last week, he excitedly reminded Jonathan that there were only 7 days left of Jonathan heading to the next stage of his life. So so bittersweet to me. Jonathan anxiously responded that he is really nervous about this next step. This beautiful man then bent down at the window and said "You don't have to be nervous - because who's gonna be there with you?" Jonathan had to think and then it suddenly came to him:
"You'll be there!"
His mask was down and he looked at us both, "Yes, my man, I'll be there!"
That persistent longing swirled anew in my heart as I drove off, those sweet words resonating in my ear.
"I'll be there."
If only that could be true not only for Jonathan in their shared environment - but for Jonathan AND I - in there, outside of there, in partnership, in life...