Decrees, Declarations, Confessions of Faith
Updated: Jun 16
Hebrews 10: 19-23
19 Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, 21 and having a High Priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
There's a beautiful, Black, actress, married to an equally beautiful Black producer, writer, preacher. Before they married, she heard the Lord tell her that this man would be her husband. This came after the Lord had implored her to get out of a relationship that was doing her no good, become celibate, and open herself to the husband He had for her - which was the man described above.
In faith, not really knowing much about this man outside of his name (and probably his handsome face, cause he is GORGEOUS), she started telling friends and family that she was going to marry him. They thought she had lost her mind.
She kept at it.
5 months later they meet at a party for a film she acted in and he produced. He asks her out for coffee. 10 months later they're engaged. 2 months after that, they get married. They have now been married for 9, happy years. They consummated the marriage on the wedding night.
I can't say for sure if this can really happen for everyone. That you can say some magical prayer and everything falls into perfect place as it did for this actress.
I do believe that if it's God's will, He will move things to happen sometimes in this manner. I've seen it for myself with Joel.
I came to a place where I really desired to be in relationship with him. I felt deeply it was meant to be. I wrote a heartfelt prayer in my journal that his heart would turn to me and that the Lord would work things out for it to happen. About a month later, Joel asked me out and maybe 5 months later we were engaged.
If not for misguided sexual activity, my OCD, controlling behavior and really our different desires for how to live life, we might have moved forward in marriage. I think the sexual activity outside of marriage was the biggest culprit of our demise. I believe we forfeited time falling into these weird "incomplete" sexual acts (i.e., stick it in for a bit and pull out, like teenagers) and other sexual acts, like oral sex, rather than spending real time talking through things - hopes, expectations, desires - and figuring out how we together could eventually make those things happen as a unit - maybe not exactly as we had initially thought we would when we first started dating (living off the grid and living in Mexico as missionaries), but something that worked for both of us. We talked a lot, but not really always about things that matter, or where we clearly had differences in thought, so we could come to more understanding, compromise and eventual consensus.
I've seen interviews with the couple above. There is a fluidity in the way that they express their thoughts and emotions and the way they honor each other when the other is speaking that tells me they've done and are doing the work to practice communication that matters - transforms - uplifts - challenges - but without hurting one another, shaming one another, looking down at one another. They've done the work within themselves, through - clearly - time with the Lord, to be able to do that for each other. I've read that they also do therapy together and individually. I can see how it all together makes for a fruitful and satisfying union. They are both thriving in all areas of their lives. Marriage indeed has been a gift for them that keeps on giving.
They were in their early 30s when they got together. I'm 54. Yet, I still want and EXPECT this kind of union and courtship. I also want the Lord to reveal my husband to me.
And yes, I have my present infatuation (which I described here). But as distance lengthens between me writing that post and being here, I see how unrealistic it is to have this longing for that particular man. Yes, when I first met him there was that pull. I was 4 years younger and I felt that it was possible. But there are 14 years between us. Why should he, at 65, for example, be tied to a 79 year old woman. How horrible could that be. I'm no Tina Turner, whose husband is 15 years younger. I'd like to look as good as she does - and maybe he might even look older than me at 65 so that no one would be able to tell. But the fundamental thing is he's attached, she is a race of woman he is used to dating, and I'm the one with the crush. Furthermore, it would be a scandal. Our Father might do the miraculous, but not at the expense of so many other lives.
So, who else, Lord? Who?
It would be great to once again have that strong beating in my breast that speaks to me and says: you and him, Kim. Yes. That is meant to be. With this in hand, I could move forward, declaring, decreeing, holding fast to my confession of hope.
I would like to do it for my infatuation, but I'd likely only face disappointment.
I want to do it for my infatuation. I just won't let myself.
I simply can't.
Yet the word above says that we should hold fast our confession of HOPE -- not faith but HOPE, and to do so without wavering.
Faith comes after HOPE. You hope for something and then undergird it with Faith that the substance of it will become evident - seen -- done.
Is it okay for me to HOPE for this man to be my husband? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE for this man to become disentangled from this long-term common law arrangement, where marriage and children do not seem to be of primary importance. Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that his partner finds remaining in this situation no longer a win for her, so that she initiates its dissolution, and his response is not one of hurt or pain, but expectation and understanding. It was time.
Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that this man finally feels free to express to me what I so strongly feel is in his heart in regards to me and Jonathan, but he's had to hold back because of his present situation and the overall situation of the environment in which we've met? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that this man would honor and support the idea of a celibate courtship and would celebrate the idea of establishing understanding and oneness through conversation, writing, reading, prayer, and counseling? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that we could both cast down all dispersions and open ourselves to allowing both support and criticism of our relationship, with love and acceptance that not everyone will understand? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that this man is the loving step-father that I've desired for Jonathan all these years and that Jonathan, who I believe already adores him, would come to value having this man in his life as my partner and his dad? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that the Lord has heard my heart and sees my desire and will move accordingly to bring all this together - to bring it to pass? Yes, I believe it is.
Is it okay for me to HOPE that his man is my husband and that the two of us together will bring more glory to God than either of us alone? Yes, I believe it is.
And so it is. And so it shall be that I hold fast the confession of my hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful to:
...open xx's heart to me. Move him in pursuit of me. Enable us to come together as man & wife. May the prophetic dream of early Saturday morning, May 23, 2020, come to pass. Me in my most vulnerable state, wide open, not afraid of my idiosyncrasies, not ashamed, and he approaching me with tenderness and hopefulness of a future with me – under a covering of prayer. His hand carefully holding mine, his lips whispering in my ear. Bring this dream to pass, Father God. Regardless of those things that might hinder us, remove them, to move us closer together. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen!