Psalm 19:14, KJV: "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer."
My mouth is going to be the death of me and all of my hopes and dreams.
I feel so much like the Prophet Isaiah in Isaiah 6:1-6
6 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. 2 Above it stood seraphim; each one had six wings: with two he covered his face, with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one cried to another and said:
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; The whole earth is full of His glory!”
4 And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.
5 So I said:
“Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of hosts.”
6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. 7 And he touched my mouth with it, and said:
“Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged.”
I need a purging. Big time. Most days, my mouth utters the most despicable, evil things. It scares me. Unfortunately, not enough for me to stop. I keep doing it over and over again. Even knowing and pleading the scripture from Psalms above, I continue to do it - and worst, I do it all the time in front of Jonathan - and sometimes to him.
I spoke about my harsh words to him in She Prays. No need to go into that again here. However, the hateful things I say about others in his presence. That HAS TO STOP. It sets such a poor example. It's unloving, unGodly and unkind. Why Lord can't I stop??
I do it mostly as it relates to "offenses" by my neighbors. Too much noise. Too much loud music. And of course, and primarily, when someone is in my parking spot.
My venom is particularly reserved for anyone having the audacity to park in my space when there are loads - LOADS - of other spaces to choose from. It feels like a sick trick from the enemy that God allows over and over again as a test that I keep failing. I curse like a sailor. I call them all sorts of names - and I keep at it, way past the need to -- and there never was a legitimate need in the first place.
The behavior is scary because it speaks to what's in my heart. Jesus was clear about this:
Matthew 15:17-20 NKJV 17 Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated?18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.20 These are the things which defile a man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a man.”
My words defile me and they originate from a hard heart - a prideful heart - one that assumes that the world should abide by my rules and if they don't, they will catch a case of my hateful utterances, my disdain, my disgust. These are the ways of the enemy - not of our Father - not of Jesus. Their ways are kind and full of love and service. They would not only allow someone to park in their parking space, but gladly move their car from the space, so someone else could use it. That's the heart of the Father. The way I regard my neighbors and sometimes Jonathan, is the way the enemy regards all of God's children. He knows nothing else.
So why can't I rise above the behavior?
It's bad enough that I'm defiling myself, but to act this way in Jonathan's presence defiles him, as well. It's damaging behavior that I lived under with my mother, who cursed others freely and had little regard for what others felt or how her words or actions impacted them. She was never sorrowful for her rages. She felt justified. I'm acting the same way and it's wrong. Father God, I know it is wrong.
I need you to purge me. I need you to do for me as you did for Isaiah. Take away this iniquity in my heart. Consume it all as if by flames, in the hottest of fires. Heal me by the precious stripes of Jesus. Wash me anew with His blood. I am righteous by the blood of the lamb - sanctified and set apart. I must live in this truth and act accordingly. Not act to satisfy my prideful flesh, but act in a way that edifies my spirit. I'm asking YOU God to do in me the supernatural clean up that only You can do. I have no power in myself to change. I haven't done well so far trying. It's impossible. I can't do it. However, You can. You can cleanse my mouth and make it acceptable to You. Please do it. I don't want to utter another curse word in Jonathan's presence. I don't want my heart to be black and dark. Shine your light into it and burn out all that is hateful and wicked. Shine your light in my heart and let it beam out to those around me. Make even my countenance reflect the light of life that only You can give. Make that be the attractive quality that I see when I look in the mirror.
I lament about this weight and the fact that I don't look as "beautiful" as I did when I was younger, or even just 4 years ago. Jonathan keeps reminding me that it's what's inside that matters, not the outside. I've been shrugging him off. I wrote a post yesterday about not loving the skin I'm in - really hating my face and body. And I'm expecting someone to find me attractive?
It starts on the inside. There's an inside job that needs to happen. Father, please do it. Please cleanse my heart. Make me brand new inside - white as the driven snow. Pure. Purify me, Father. I can't. In my weakness your strength is made perfect. So perfect in me a heart of love for my neighbor. Give me a pure love for my neighbors. Eradicate NOW this hatred, this anger, this dread of my neighbors. Genuine, real, old fashioned love. I need it now.
In the mighty name of Jesus AMEN
UPDATE: I've been re-reading a few of my posts and discovered that I had already touched on this issue, but not to the same degree of desperation or detail as I' have here. It was the Let's Get Real post from June 5, 2021. The answer I described there is the same answer to this post:
Get up in the morning, Kim, and sit with the Lord.
There is no other answer. No other way for me to be purged and cleansed. Others might have a way that's different, but this is what the Lord has asked me to do. Draw unto Him and He'll draw unto me and give me the desires of my heart -- with Him being the most important of those desires.
Romans 8: 31-32 31 NASB What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
Yes, He will. AMEN