Do I truly believe that Jesus is my provider?
I want to think that I do, but my actions and thoughts are not aligned with that belief.
This plays out most clearly when it comes to the kind of spouse I hope to have. Jonathan says I'm a gold digger because I have a requirement that the guy be a man who is financially well off - or at least makes the equivalent of what I make or more - and who will enable me to not have to work outside the home, so I can pursue my writing full time.
Now, if I truly believe Jesus is my Jehovah Jirah - my provider - and that He is my first and true husband - why don't I rely on Him to be the one who gives me enough so that I can pursue my writing, editing and proofreading full time? When it comes down to it, even if there were a guy in my life who could do that, he would be doing it under the power and unction of the Holy Spirit and not Himself. In addition, because he is not supernatural, like Jesus and infallible from injury or the handling of man, and thus could easily lose a job or become injured or even die, I would be placing my trust on shifting sand if I think a man can do for me what only God can.
Why can't I just let God show Himself to be who He says He is?
To be honest, He opened a door in 2019, when I left Davis & Brusca (before they had a chance to fire me). He opened up almost 8 months where I could have focused and gotten kqivey edit and proof going and bringing in enough income to care for me and Jonathan. PASH would have continued giving me enough money for Jonathan's schooling. My rent was manageable.
But I had all the other misguided debts. The credit card debt, the amex loan, the loan from the house sale. I was in utter panic of mind and spirit. My 401K was almost (and then eventually) gone. My pension moved into an IRA, half of what it was when I did the original move. I needed to get a job job. I was desperate.
So, I didn't even think to try to do the editing and writing. I didn't even think that God would prosper it. I dug in, got into more debt by putting $6000 on my AMEX to pay for Career Attraction and yes, due to key contacts and some of the stuff I learned, the Lord led me to my current Walmart gig - AND maybe that is where He wanted me. Maybe He does prefer me doing work that is not really what I want to do but brings Him glory cause I'm leaning so hard on him - clinging for dear life - and getting relatively well rewarded financially for the doing.
I don't know.
I've upped my payments to PASH so that I now have to have the job I have in order to pay for Jonathan's schooling. I took out a consolidation personal loan to clean up all that debt. I still have a car payment. I'm basically in almost $29000 in debt, and that doesn't include the $15000 per year that I have to pay out for Jonathan's schooling - and I am not taking him out of PASH. It's an awesome school and it was God's leading us to it that he's there in the first place.
I can't just drop everything now and try this writing/editing thing. I put myself in a trap that I can't get out of and it stinks.
Hence, my desperation for a prosperous husband who would liberate me from this financial prison I put myself in.
And I go back to the start of this post: No man is my Jehovah Jirah. Only God is.
My mistrust and doubt is such that I don't believe He can rescue me so that I can pursue what brings me joy and delight. My mistrust and doubt leads me to believe more that my Jehovah Jirah, my first love, wants me to suffer the consequences of my poor financial decisions, and has no desire to free me from this prison. Jesus would rather I stay here, rejoice in it and give Him praise for it.
I am called to praise Him for all things - and I do. He is worthy of all my praise and thanksgiving, regardless of my plight in life.
But why is it so much harder for me to believe that He could be merciful and loving enough to lift me out of this tumultuous, unsteady place? Why is it so much easier for me to hold on to a dream that a mere, mortal man could do it instead?
Have I even asked the Lord to rescue me?
No, I have not. Maybe I should.
Father God, you are my Jehovah Jirah, my provider. My Abba Father, my source of all things. You are the author and finisher of my faith. You are the creator of the universe. Your word says, if a son ask his father for bread, would that father give him a stone? No, he would give his son what he asks and more. Your word says how much more will the Father give to those who asks, including more of His son, Jesus.Forgive me, Father, for my doubt. Forgive me for not asking You to find a way for me to operate in my gift, not as a side hustle, not as a secret hobby, not as something that I just fit in here and there, but to actually thrive and prosper in it and to help others to achieve their dreams of being published and heard through the written word. Father, I ask you today to open a door for me to pursue my writing full time. To make kqivey edit and proof a successful enterprise that enables me to indeed work full time in it, from home, without the need to work a corporate job. Success whereby I have enough for health insurance and rebuilding my retirement, sending Jonathan to PASH and secondary private school and college. Enough for us to still take vacations and for me to tithe and give offerings to the furtherance of the Gospel. I've been waiting for a man to open the door for all this to happen when the reality is that it is Your hand alone that can open the door. I place myself in Your hands today. I'll keep writing daily. I'll keep believing absolutely that You are working this out for me and I no longer have to long for some arbitrary "Godly" man to do it for me. I have direct access to you, Father, through my savior, Jesus Christ - my Jehovah Jirah - and you are making it happen.
You ARE making it happen.
In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray with great faith - with the great faith of Jesus - AMEN!