Let's get real
Updated: Jun 13
So, I want to be married. However, am I marriage quality? No. I am not. Based on my mouth and my thoughts and my actions, and most of all, how I regard our Father (with mistrust and sometimes disdain) and my fellow man (with disdain, generally, and judgment), I am not ready to be anyone's wife.
I'm also self-absorbed, a bit too prideful, not fully sold out to Christ (compromise is my middle name) and I tend to want what I want when I want it and how I want it, and you better not get in the way or else you incur my wrath (Jonathan can speak to this).
I'm not setting the best example of a person who truly LOVES God and God's people, as talked about in a previous post. I'm struggling. I don't like myself much so it's pretty hard to like anyone else.
On May 13, 2013- actually for a few days before that date - the Lord pressed on my heart that I needed to get up early, sit in my red chair and just sup with him. Just sit in quiet with Him.
It was a perfect spot. Near a sunny window. Quiet.
So, I endeavored to make sure I did that on May 14, 2013. I was excited. Every pore of my being WANTED to do it.
As I settled into the chair, fully awake, which was rare - and dressed - even rarer, I suddenly hear my mother call out my name: "Kim!" at the top of her lungs.
This was the morning that my dad inexplicably fell out of bed, suffered a cervical spinal injury and the trajectory of all our lives changed forever.
Despite all the change that did occur in the wake of that injury - all of the trauma, loss and pain - God has not changed his instruction to me. He has kept at it over and over again, all these 8 years:
Get up early in the morning and spend time with Me.
He doesn't say read your Bible or Study His word or Labor in Prayer or Meditate on Scripture or Speak in Tongues or anything other than spend time with Him, in quiet and in rest.
I've yet been able to do it.
I've tried a couple of times but it never lasts more than two or three days. To do it consistently seems to be an impossible feat.
However, I know in my heart of hearts that EVERYTHING that I desire and need in my life rests in that place of me resting, quietly in Him at the start of each day.
The Devil most certainly isn't gonna make it easy for me. He hated the idea so much back in 2013 that he managed to throw the monkey wrench of all monkey wrenches into my first and anticipatory foray into this time of rest in the Lord.
The enemy wants me in a perpetual state of unrest, doubt, mistrust and anger against God.
God wants me in a place of rest, trust, belief and peace in Him and the person of His son Jesus Christ, through the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit.
There is healing for my mind and heart waiting for me in this place of rest.
There is deliverance from a cold heart, a sour tongue and a disregard of others that has permeated my life these 8 years.
There is finally setting it all down and not coming back to the "stuff" of these 8 years and a realization that I can give God Praise and Thanksgiving for it all - that He has worked it all for our good and I should have no lingering regret, shame, or sorrow.
In a nutshell: He wants me free.
Even more - He wants me to return to Him, my true love.
In 2009, I returned to NJ in a place of expectation and fully enveloped in His embrace. I'd spent the previous 3 years soaking in Him, enjoying Him - particularly in 2008 - 2009, where I'd set down TV, had found joy in my worship experience at Bread of Life - had found a way to dance before the Lord and give him praise and worship in my personal space.
I know now that this connection with God was such a threat to the enemy and he simply had to do away with it. And he almost did. Bit by Bit, he tried his best to dismantle all that my Father and I had built up in those years in AL and even the previous years, starting in 2000, in Poughkeepsie and River Church.
Today, I want to start anew. I need the Lord to get me out of the bed tomorrow. And then I'll ask Him to do it again the next day and then the next day, until it becomes the habit that I need it to be - that He has longed for it to be.
I want to be married - but I need to get fully equated once again with my first love - my true husband - Jesus Christ. If He then deems me right and ready to be presented to a man who finds me in that place of rest in my Father, then that is wonderful. What matters most is that whatever the outcome, I FINALLY find myself truly satiated and satisfied in Him. That I finally enter the rest that Paul speaks to in Hebrews:
There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. (Hebrews 4:9-10 - NKJV)