In A Home for Us, I lamented about the little dream house in Skillman that I so want. I even begged the Lord in prayer for it.
I should have left my prayer there and waited on Him to do the supernatural miraculous, since that is the only way I can reasonably secure the house and its surrounding property (3 acres in total).
No, I had to start doing calculations and then figure out a potential mortgage only to see that it would require shelling out about $3500/mth to remain in the home. A staggering amount on a single income - even one as decent as mine.
It could be done. Given the loan and car paid off and using my bonus to pay for Jonathan's tuition for the next three years, I could still have a good amount of cash left over - a little over a grand per month -
I haven't factored in the cost of upkeep, utilities, etc., which could easily make that little cushion disappear.
On top of that, the cushion is based on me getting the hoped for promotion and at least a 10000 dollar raise - in a job I really don't like, doing what I really don't love. Writing is what I love - this right here is what I love. But this right here...not sure it would bring in enough for me to afford a $3500/mth mortgage. Would be phenomenal if it did...
Sigh...Me and my dreamy, dreamy, fantasizing till I die self.
I can't help myself. I've been doing it all my life, with quite a few things coming to pass from those fantasies, though usually not exactly how I envisioned:
Romantically connecting w/Ben Daidone
Traveling to most of the places I've visited
Living in Paris
Living in New Mexico
Running a marathon
Having a beautiful child
Volunteering in long-term service (wanted to do Peace Corps but did AmeriCorps instead)
Owning a home
Getting engaged (twice!)
So, I've seen a few things come to pass and I have to praise God for each and every one. It's incredible, really. Some people never get to see even one of their dreams come true.
I should have no complaints. I suppose I don't. If the Lord would desire to not do anything else for me, He clearly has done enough -- more than enough. My cup overflows.
Yet, why this feeling of being trapped - this persistent sense that what I truly desire as I desire it will never come to pass for me?
It's a trick of the enemy. He wants me focused on the one or two things that haven't happened so that it clouds and diminishes all the myriad of ways that I have been blessed. I'm looking at that list above and maybe that's all it took to shake me out of yet another pity party. That's what I planned when I started this post. Woe's me. You'll never get a home, Kim. You are relegated to moderate income apartment living for the rest of your life.
And would that be so horrible? I've got a great apartment. If I invest a little time and very little money, I could fix it up so that it truly is a show space. It would be far cheaper than buying a home, that's for sure.
I'm fixated on finding Jonathan room to run. He's 10 going on 40. He has issues getting along with the neighborhood boys. What exactly would moving accomplish for his interpersonal life? So he can go to another neighborhood and not get along with the neighborhood boys there?? The issue is not the neighborhood or the boys. The issue is Jonathan. He is the common denominator. So, I need the Lord to massage and transform his heart and mind - his way with people - so that he can learn what it means to accommodate others - that it's not only about him and his feelings but that he has to be considerate of other people's feelings. This is how he used to always be, but as he gets older, he's losing that sweetness that I so loved and bragged about. It's almost like the enemy, knowing how much I've appreciated Jonathan's happy go lucky ways, has purposed to turn him into a morose, dour, negative person.
Get behind me satan and get your dirty hands off Jonathan! I decree and declare, by the stripes of Jesus that Jonathan's mind is healed from all negativity, all paranoid feelings that others are out to get him, don't like him - I'm loosing upon him, in the name of Jesus, a spirit of love and kindness and a regard for his neighbors, peers and elders. I think you for protecting his kind heart and his sanguine spirit. Cultivate it and grow it. Let him not be changed by the world. I decree and declare that this day Jonathan is walking in his right, God-fearing, lovable and joyful mind, in Jesus' precious name, AMEN!
Okay, I had to take care of that before I move forward.
So, as I keep doing, over and over again (and also wrote about in When will Jesus be enough?), I come back to the reality that neither a house, nor Jonathan being happy, nor a husband, nor not being in debt, nor having a thin body, or having a youthful face -- none of these things will make everything alright. Only Jesus. If I'm feeling trapped, then it's a prison of my own, established on self-pity and a very short memory, because God has been and IS very, VERY good to me and is doing great things in my life. I just wrote a compelling document that I believe answers what my idiot savant boss asked of me, when in all reality I had no idea how to answer him. But I didn't write it. Jesus did. This is how He works in my life. Always! When Jesus is working in your life, you're never trapped. You are free free free. Without a doubt, because:
Whom the Lord sets free is free indeed!
I'm gonna stand in that freedom from now on. I don't know if I'll ever own a home. I might be in this apartment for another 4 years - 10 years - 1 year. I don't know. God knows.
Will I see 155 again? I believe Yes. Will it be like any former, youthful 155? Maybe, Maybe not. I don't plan to do all the things I did to have that youthful 155. I just want to wear my old clothes, and I think that is at least possible.
Will I be married? That's up to the Lord. I want it - BADLY - and at the same time, I'm perfectly content being alone. God have your way. I do wish I hadn't wasted those years drinking so that your word to me could have come to pass. I wasted 6 years in drink and so now...well, for it TO HAPPEN it would have to be a true miracle of God.
And I serve a miracle working God, so hey - who knows...