When will Jesus be enough?
I'm trying to ignore something that's causing me to feel less than...that I've fallen short...that reminds me of how far behind I am in terms of where I am in life agewise. I'm comparing myself to others, which the word tells us not to do but I'm doing it anyway.
Our neighbors, who have bravely shared one car for the two years I've been in our Apartment complex, a sweet Russian couple with two small children, recently purchased an amazingly beautiful, new model Kia SUV - 2022 - not even really on the road yet. They park it right in front of our apartment so I can't ignore it. I'll eventually let them know that it's beautiful - because it is - but right now I just want to act as if it does not exist.
It's wrong and I know it is. I'm happy for them. They deserve this vehicle. Truly they do. Not sure why I'm having such a hard time with it. It's just a car. It will get old and lose it's value over time like every new car. My Fiat is finally acting right and it's almost paid for and should last me another 5 years. If all goes well, maybe I'll be able to pay cash for the next car...when I'm almost 60 years old.
And therein lies the rub. I just turned 54. Moving further and further away from middle age to old age and guess what? It sucks. Just really really sucks. And there's no getting those years back. In addition, my sexual life as a young woman is spent. Gone. What is left is a 54 year old woman praying and beseeching the Lord to renew my youth and believing He will grant me the gift of marriage, when for many the gift of marriage is a curse and they would rather be where I am - single and unattached. So really - what am I hoping for?
The truth is - neither a new car, a husband, a youthful body, a job that I love, being debt free, buying a dream home, even Jonathan not feeling sad about the lack of neighborhood friends (or friends who have not shown themselves to be loyal, trustworthy or reliable), will bring me a sense of peace and contentment. Come to think of of it, I need to throw out the words contentment, joy and happiness being relevant terms this side of heaven. Just peace -- none of those things will grant me peace. Not peace that will last. Why? Cause there's always some ish that's gonna piss me off and throw off my peace - get me in a place of agitation, unrest, dread, anxiety, worry, anger and all sorts of fleshly things -- and that's even if I'm soaking in the word, meditating before the Lord, spending time in fellowship and doing all the things we're supposed to do in order to build us up so we can walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil because - yes, HE is with us.
So why is He not enough? When will He be enough?
I just posted a message I drafted in 2019. Another misguided quest to be cleansed - to draw closer to the Lord - to get rid of the excess weight - to stop drinking. It's a great message. I was gung ho and ready to go and absolutely NOTHING came of it. Nothing at all.
I mean, I did end up fasting that first week of July and a job eventually did arrive after that fast. However, none of the rest came to pass.
I wrote another blog entry regarding how I'm opening myself to marriage despite all my misgivings about it that had built up over the years (and are still misgivings). Nada. Nothing has come of it. Nothing at all.
I'm in CONSTANT communication with the Lord. I think every other thought or word out of my mouth is to Him. It's not always the nicest word. A lot of times it is complaint. However, if there is one thing He can say about me is that I do NOT ignore Him. Why is that not enough? It seems He needs so much more of me and I have so little left to give. I'm a shell of myself in this place of dreams deferred, fatigue of mind and spirit living each day in a job that is trying --
Okay stop complaining - you have a job Kim that pays well with great co-workers - let God work in it for you --
I know. I know. And I don't know. I WANT to be in a place of peace in Him but gosh it is soo soo hard.
So I keep reaching for this other stuff that really is NOT the answer. I know it's not. Just like the wine therapy wasn't enough. Frustrating.
The more life I live, the more I realize that this side of heaven is just a place of frustration and unrest and constantly fighting against it to a place where you can feel some sense of satisfaction at the end of each day to a final sense of satisfaction when it's all said and done. Jesus should be the guiding light there and I know that as I travel this journey towards satisfaction it also means there is less of me worried about me and my peace and more of me endeavoring to bring peace and satisfaction to others. Love your neighbor as you Love yourself.
I need help Lord. I need help in the loving myself part and loving the existence of myself as it is now and not in some future state. That's the main issue. That's what is SO SO SO HARD. Because I despise my current situation. I despise my work, my body, my mouth, my debt, my singleness, sometimes my neighbors and our living situation, caring for my mom, handling the load of caring for Jonathan alone, I despise it all. This current situation is shitty for me and I can't seem to embrace it in a way that it's okay for me to be here - and potentially to stay here if this is where you want me to be. The thought of that just makes me shudder in dread and fear.
Help me Lord. I'm unable to get there on my own. I'm unable to find a place of satiation in You so I can be in a place of satiation with myself and thus be used to bring satiation and peace to others. I need You to do this in me. I can't do it alone. I'm begging you, by Christ - by His stripes - through the Holy Spirit - to do this for me. To change me from the inside out so that I can be okay here and on the journey to there - whatever there is. I have my dream of there - but what is your dream of there for me?
Maybe it's much, much better than what I could have ever hoped or dared to imagine...